drama: part one thousand
I feel like I died, and no one gave a damn. What am I in the lives of others? Why do I regard everyone as special to me? Why the hell do I care what others think of me? I wish I could be part of the group of people who spent their lives being trash to others or being total angels and not think about the impression that they gave to the people around them. I wish I could function properly even when I knew that no one valued me. I wish I could live life without being so dramatic.
But if I didn’t feel this way, then maybe I knew no love for others. If I weren’t so sensitive and caring, I probably wouldn’t have friends, per se. Perhaps I would be completely alone in the world without all the shit of spending every minute wondering if people regarded me the same way I regarded them.
The thing is, I’m losing my sense of security. I am now learning the hard way that things will never be permanent. Friendships can die overnight. No one can stay with you forever. People change.
we can’t have the freedom to control everything…
if we only had the freedom to acquire the things we want most; if we only had the freedom to say something and really mean it, and not just say the things because we “need” to; if we only had the power to control, as in fully control, our emotions, thoughts, and feelings… well then i guess things would be a lot better now.
but that’s just it. because we don’t have the power to change things that “just happen” we have to live with it. because we cannot control certain things, they must have been “meant to happen”
all things occur for a reason.
only time will uncover all of those reasons for us. we can always question why the world is being cruel to us, but to no avail. the answers will come some other time, when we’ve overcome the trial and ordeal. it’s so ironic, no? not to mention crazy. and messed up. but that’s the way things are…
that’s reality…
I wish i could be a kid again.
Last night, my mom was reading a chapter in a book, and I was beside her. She was reading it aloud, barely audible.
Suddenly I remembered what it was like for me to sit beside her and hear her reading to me. I remembered how easy it was to put me to sleep, or take care of me when I was sick. My mom was always beside me.
And I realized how easy it is for a child to be touched just by hearing your mom’s voice soothing you…
Mothers are such special people… I am so grateful to have one that’s always here for me…
Sometimes I just wish I could be a kid again… Things were so much easier then…
It’s crazy how children can’t wait to grow up, engage in teenage activities, get involved in adult stuff, do the things kids aren’t allowed to do…but when they get all that they wish they could be that kid again… because they suddenly realize it’s so much easier to heal bruises and wounds than mend broken hearts and “refresh” overworked brains…
do i have a special place in your heart?
What or who I am in the lives of others is very important to me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if the people I value care about me as well. Each person that walked in my life or is currently in my life have a place in my heart. Every teacher who had the patience to teach me, every guy who taught me to be strong, every celebrity or writer that influenced me all have a place in me.
Even if they indirectly touched my life.
Like I said, my friends are important to me. I love them so much, and whenever I am with them, I forget my worries and anxieties about my studies and about my family. It’s like I don’t want the time we’re spending with each other to wane. That’s why, sometimes I wish we could just stay students together forever and not move on to getting old and having families ‘coz we might grow apart…
I don’t believe that friendships die. They don’t… If things aren’t working out between two friends, all they need is time and space… and eventually they’ll be together again…
I always try to make sure I’m being a good friend. I try my best to not hurt my friends. But we can never be too sure. We will always commit errors unintentionally.
I am currently having problems with my friend. I try not to lose my hope that things will be okay, because at a certain point, people who got hurt by others will need to forgive the ones who hurt them.
I miss that certain friend of mine. I respected her so much, if she only knew.
I am hurting because I found out that she wasn’t missing a thing about me, now that we’re kind of apart… And there I thought, “Was I not special to you? Was I not a good friend?”
* * *
Last night, before I fell asleep, one thought lingered in my mind. I’m great at imagining things. And I suddenly conjured up this thought: “What if I died right now? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone mourn?”
I imagined being a ghost, silently gliding along the ground, feeling so light. I imagined going to everyone’s (the people I treasure most) houses. I imagined waving to them for the last time, or saying how much I always loved them. But I couldn’t imagine how they would react.
So help me out… How would you feel if one day, you found out I was gone?…
Because I feel like I died, and no one cared… Especially you. (you know who you are…)
Ten Things I Miss About You…
1. I miss listening to your occasional rants and comments about everything you see around us.
2. I miss knowing that you trust me. You showed it by sharing stories about your day.
3. I miss teasing you to that stuffed toy of yours.
4. I miss having lunch with you and sharing that uneasy feeling of being late… (long before, when we were afraid of being late for our classes, haha)
5. I miss hearing you laugh, even when I didn’t know what you were laughing about…
6. I miss that laugh, because at times it’s so contagious!
7. I miss receiving text messages from you, because they always bring a smile to my lips…
8. Right now it saddens me to remember the summer. The summer I/we first went to your house. The summer we spent the night there. The summer I saw how big the dog that used to belong to our common friend was already.
9. I miss feeling complete. Because not being ok with one of my friends makes me feel empty.
10. I just miss securing a connection with you… I miss seeing you and knowing that we’re friends…
don’t think that i love only ten things about having you as a friend. you’re so many things. you snagged a special place in my heart. it’s hurts me to think i was nothing to you…
am i being redundant in my drama?
Maybe we’ve taken it for granted too much that people with conflicts will eventually reconcile and make up. But what if two friends never get back together? Is it a universally acknowledged “rule” that people will put aside their own pain just to let a friendship keep growing and not die? What if we’re the first to establish a deviance from the trail?
it’s worth the wait…
I am right outside your door. you have locked me out. no matter how long it takes for you to let me in again, ill wait. i hope you know that i never betrayed you. and i dont plan to. trust me. i have a great regard for our friendship. i miss you. i wish it could be like old times again…
do you know how to save MY life?
“Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness…”
Where did I go wrong? because i don’t think i did anything worth fighting over.
I am currently losing someone in this chain of misunderstandings.
What is happening to the world? I feel so alone. Lost and confused. Not to mention hurt.
Being Hurt Repeatedly Can Kill
I wonder how many times I’ve lay down on my bed, life-withdrawn, drenched in melancholy, silently weeping in the dark. I wonder how many times I’ve stared up at the ceiling before I slept when I recited prayers or thought about the world. I wonder how many times I’ve been happy in my life.
Because even though I cannot count all the instances I had been happy or sad, I tend to think I’ve been less happy in this life than sad.
* * *
Back in High School, I remember having fights with my closest friends. I have shed so many tears. I have been hurt repeatedly. And for that I am like a dead soul.
Presently, my friends and I are developing some kind of… friendship crisis. And I just can’t help thinking that no matter when we get this disease of friendship, I am always involved. I am always the one getting flattened by train. And weirdly, at the same time I start thinking that I’m the one always messing up. Doing something wrong. Hurting somebody. Why is it always me? I wish someone could answer.
One of my friends said I did not do anything wrong. It only looked that way.
I wish I could believe her. But now i am so lost in my thoughts, it creates a string of horrific visions I cannot push away…
Heart Crushing.
My friends are very important to me. When I am with them, I feel grateful that they’re around. I can not quite imagine what I’d be without them. I treasure them so much.
Right now, I’m stuck in a small feud. Nothing, really has happened yet… I think. I’m not sure. It seems there are so many things I do not know yet.
I guess I can’t explain everything. All I know is. I feel alone. And I also feel like having been betrayed or something. People lost trust in me. They judged me. Can you call a it “friendship” still if there’s no trust?
I am deeply hurt. I’ve know them for soo long…
I regard them highly. I’ve shown how much I care. And this is how they repay me?
I don’t know. I dunno what I’m saying, why I’m saying this, how I can possibly say this…
I just keep typing. I keep releasing all these thoughts in hope that at one point all my feeling will be gone…
