Trust issues.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life this summer. I haven’t done much this vacation, apart from participating in my second cousin’s wedding, spending the holy week in Bicol, PE summer classes, my brother’s high school graduation, my first cousin’s college graduation, and attending the Philippine Press Institute conference at the Manila Diamond Hotel.
Those are big things, but if you look closely, only a few of them are my own activities. I’ve been wanting to improve myself. I’m so dull and boring–that’s the thing–and I want to change.
I’ve recently turned down an offer to join a campus organization. I’d been thinking about it for a year, and it sounds crazy that I didn’t push through with initial plans (because yes, when I first found out what the organization was about, I told myself I’d join. Easier said than done, I guess). It’s almost as if I quit, because like I said I’ve been entertaining thoughts of joining the whole year. But last week, when I was being pressured to make a decision already (although they said they weren’t pressuring me at all), I got scared.
What a wuss.
No, let me explain what frightened–or repulsed–me.
The basic thing that turned me off was the idea of an organization. I hate the initiation crap. What’s the point of people ridiculing you? They say it shows how determined one is. I say it doesn’t.
And then there’s the ninang, sis, brod. I dislike the terms of endearment, and would hate to call anyone my ninang when they could be my age. I must sound like sap, but that’s just the way I am. I never participated in those corny games back in elementary or high school where one of my friends is my mother, another is my grandmother, and yet another is my older brother or my “anak.”
You might say I missed out on a lot of childhood (oh, wait, is that what it’s called?), but trust me, I had childhood. And it wasn’t in some rural area playing House.
Okay, that was harsh. Forgive me, it’s just, in the last few minutes before I made my final decision, I realized that I just wanted some friends to be with. All I wanted was to not look like some pathetic loner anymore and start having some fun. Ever since I went through some complications with a few friends back in the day, I stopped trusting people. I was hurt. And I think in some way, I still haven’t healed.
So why didn’t I give the organization a chance? Because I think that no amount of ideal house-playing can pull me out of my dark abyss if I’m still not ready to trust anybody.
But when will that be?
I’m working on it.
