Can you feel the love… in this?
I’ve been reading Love in the Time of Cholera these past few weeks, and I am finally in the middle. I bought it not really knowing Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s writing style; the only thing I’d read of his prior to reading the said novel was his speech for the Nobel Prize.
Normally I’m a fast reader. But lately, I haven’t been. I don’t know if my watching too much has affected my interest to read, but what I do know is that the love story in Marquez’s novel is not touching enough.
At least, so far.
I mean, I’m not feeling it at all. It’s not romantic.
A boy and a girl meet for the first time and instantly like each other. They correspond through letters and hardly have real conversations. While she is writing to him in class, a teacher discovers she is not taking notes, but writing a love letter. She gets expelled. The girl’s father finds out about the boy, he reprimands her and takes her on vacation with him so she’ll forget. As usual, she does not forget him; the boy works in a telegraph office, and he learns of the girl’s location. They continue to write to each other. After around three years, the girl and the father go back to where they came from, and the boy sees the girl again in the market. When he gets near, he whispers to her. The girl turns to look at him and realizes that what they had was an illusion.
After a while, the girl catches the attention of a doctor who is one of the most respected people in the town. She is hesitant, but they get married, and this hurts the guy. He spends years agonizing, spending time with other girls but never really moving on.
Half a century later, the doctor dies; the girl becomes a widow. The guy visits her and tells her he still loves her.
Seriously, there’s really nothing to it. Maybe back then (and in Mexico), love letters were everything. But it seems so shallow. They hardly really know each other, and yet the guy is so dramatic and convinced he deserves the girl.
And what about the girl? Well, she’s stupid too. What kind of a girl gets kicked out of school and sent to some faraway place with her father for three whole years because of some guy, and comes back to tell this guy that it was all an illusion? Sure, it’s hard to really identify what we’re feeling, but come on! Cut the guy some slack. She should have rejected him in the first place. (That’s a laugh though–I am one to talk about rejecting people). Or at least, totally forgotten him in the years she spent with some cattle and pigs (’cause she went someplace rural).
I am a romantic, but honestly, I don’t feel the love in Love in the Time of Cholera. And that makes it hard to finish the book. I can’t feel what Florentino Ariza is hurting over, because it all seems so shallow.
I was much more touched with books like Atonement and Eleven Minutes (I’m serious). Technically, Marquez is a good writer: very descriptive and knowledgeable. But his plot sucks. At least for this book. And at least for the part I’ve perused.
If the ending throws me off, then he’s good. Really good. But if my summary up there proves to be all there is to this story, then I don’t think there’s anything marvelous about Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s little novel. And I’m sorry for that, because I really thought it was something.
But since I’m not through with the novel, I can’t judge it once and for all. I’ll write a follow-up for this entry. Once I’m done with it.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Reflection.
After having spent three whole semesters in the University, most people still think I am a freshman. I do not know if I really look that young or if I look too innocent or if I seem to be…disconnected. I can not blame those who get the wrong impression, though. There is this crazy ideology that a person is a freshman if a) he or she is disinclined to converse with a weird seatmate; b) he or she is too careful, or too organized, or too conscious; and c) he or she is anxious about the subject and the instructor/professor nearly every meeting because the latter might call out his or her name for recitation or give a surprise quiz.
I call it crazy because I really would fall under the “freshman category” if this were something freshmen-hunters should follow.
Maybe if people knew who I was more, they would know better than to call me a freshman.
I have a lot of casual friends, I know a lot of names, and I can recognize which car belongs to whom. I can be known through degrees of friends, known only by face, or by name. And yet I am not known. Not at all.
I do not want to be a popular, “universal best friend” who gets away with everything. That is somebody else’s dream. I want to know others and be known, but not for reasons other than friendship and getting a big shot at something.
Our interviewee, Karen, snagged the opportunity of a lifetime. Long before graduation came (of course, she has not really graduated yet), she received an offer to write for the Philippine Daily Inquirer (PDI), something she had dreamed of doing since high school. Her friend from the UPLB Perspective who had been working in PDI, Nina Calleja, recommended her to the editors. Nina was going to be promoted, and the editors were looking for a replacement for the position she was leaving.
My uncle has a lot of friends around the world, and when he travels he does not have problems with money or with places to stay because he is well-connected. My mom cites this in some of her lectures to me about how important contacts are and how I should make friends with older batches. Sometimes she even goes overboard and tells dad how he should be, since he is more accustomed to doing things by himself. His justification is that he does not need other people to be able to get what he wants. He thinks people are meant to stand on their own, and that this is a type of measure of success or something.
I understand the two sides. Obviously I am more of the second at the moment. I have been for nearly my entire life. And yet a nagging thought absorbs me: What if I can not do everything on my own? What if there are some things more powerful if brought about by others?
There are so many things I want to do after I graduate. There are so many possibilities, and I can not choose on my own. Maybe in the long run, if my friends are not there to help me get a job like Karen, then maybe they could help me choose. Maybe they could advise me against the bad habits of a certain company, or push me towards the good qualities of another. Either way, I feel the need to mingle with others.
I have never left a bad mark with my interviewees (or at least, I do not think I have), and if I went to visit them today they would probably still recall me. But that is not exactly enough for them to want to recommend me to anything. They barely know me. And I bet if Karen were to be promoted, she would refer someone from Perspective to take her old position, because that is just the way it is done.
I know a lot of people, but most of them do not know who I am. I practically knew Karen (even Nina, only by name) way before we met each other.
The point is, I think I should make use of the time I have now to get to know others. I have been thinking about it a lot since the semester started, that I should stop keeping to myself. I feel that I have been too selfish, even in writing, and that I should do something new.
Even though I know this now, I think I have some personal prerequisites to gain—just to make sure I am stable—before I pull off something mindless and start looking more like a sophomore.
Parallelism Between Concepts in School and in Real Life.
One can want so much…
I am reminded of my Economics class, where Professors break their necks getting students to understand the fundamental concept of it all: wants are unlimited, and resources scarce.
It’s almost funny how it can also apply to things abstract. But then again, most academic concepts are; we just don’t know it at the time when its being discussed in class. As time goes by and we experience more of what life has to offer, it is then that we remember the lessons we learned at school.
Currently, I seem to have a thirst for so many things, and they’re not all concrete. Yes, I do want more books than I already own (I’m quite a collector, reader, and materialist…), a closet-full of new clothes that will promote a new look, my personal laptop, the latest camera that I can actually afford, and… the list will go on. But most recently, I have noticed my want to meet new people and bond with them, plus my sudden but not wholly unexpected interest in a person I thought I’d forgotten long ago… A person I have not talked to in years. A person I always kind of ‘go back’ to liking.
I don’t regard this recurring sense of liking as a negative thing, but I most certainly want it to go away. It’s unhealthy for me to keep doing this to myself. The thing is, I’m not. Of course such things are necessarily involuntary; If they weren’t, it would be too easy. I’d be able to control my feelings for the guy. On the other hand, those that admire me who get nothing in return from moi would also be capable of driving their emotions away. Oh. That last statement? That is if anyone is at all interested in me.
Anyway, I guess we all have to go through suffering. Without it we’d never learn.
At least admitting to myself that I am still in the cycle of liking one single person over and over again has helped me realize that I’m still a normal, functioning human being.
‘Cause I almost thought I wasn’t anymore. All I do everyday is watch movies online, eat, read, and write. Not much of a life. Not much at all.
Sudden Realization.
School days really are nearing… I’ve kind of said that before, you know, with ’summer is about to end’ but it takes a whole new perspective when you stress what’s coming. Personally, I have a lot of plans for this school year. I really want to meet new people and develop friendships; I desperately want to move on with my life and do something new. I think sometimes the only way to let go of whatever hurt you in the past is to go out into the world and start over, instead of moping around and wallowing over your misery. Just let yourself see sights you’ve never seen or feel things you never have, and the process of moving on takes hold. It’s hard, I bet, and I’ve only just learned that it could be so more effective than avoiding human contact for fear of getting hurt again. I anticipate the looming school days with open arms; I expect so many new students that I could possibly bond with. Hopefully, my recipe for self-improvement and personal growth will prove itself efficacious. Hopefully…
Resurrection.
I have just risen from the dead. I haven’t written here in forever. I was almost going to delete this account, thinking I’d forgotten my password altogether, but given that I still knew my password, and given that I have recently been inspired to blog thanks to the person who got me to create this account (he does not know me; well, not yet), I thought I should save this. Besides, I need to stop this cycle of starting something and not ending it. Not that there would ever be an end to weblogs.
Today was special. I went out with my aunt and my cousin at IRRI to attend this seminar on beauty stuff, which is normally so not my thing, but trailed along anyway out of respect and the expected ultimate bonding experience it had in store for me. I haven’t been with them in so long it feels like years. Oh, wait. It has been years.
I realized I missed my older cousin. We’re practically six years apart (and I’m not even sure) but we’ve shared a lot of things together since I was an infant. Seriously. She’s even lent me clothes. Aside from that we’ve borrowed CDs, mp3s, books, and notes from each other. She’s in the same university I’m in, only she’s about to graduate. She’s taking up Veterinary Medicine, and that’s why I got up to her in UP.
Anyway (expect this word often), we got to talk about my current situation, which, due to the vastness of the internet, obvious exposure, and security reasons, I will not care to elaborate. She and her mother gave me advice on how to deal with it. It’s so difficult but sometimes I find myself satisfied. Forgive me for being extremely weird, but it helps me focus on something other than what I’m used to, like my academics and my social life. For once, I’m devoting myself to it, no matter how subtle my actions and how much of a coward I really am. This storm came for me to be stronger, more active, and involved. No storm shall come to pass without having left anyone stronger and with a deeper outlook in life. Maybe this is my chance.
My whole 2007 was more than depressing and irksome. I guess I never got to put an end to my year 2007 in this blog, much less in my journal or microsoft word files. But this I will say: All that I went through last year is one for the books. I have learned, felt, and met so much. If the present fiasco I am participating in is only serving its purpose of changing my selfish and pathetic ways, then fine.
I’ll do whatever I can to learn out of it.
Was it Boyle or Charles?
Sometimes things don’t need tedious justifications. Friends should just support you, give you space to straighten out the crappy foldings and markings made about by emotional stress, and trust that you know what you’re doing. Because you are the one who knows yourself the best.
Time pressure ruins the beauty of things. It is best to wait for something or someone to come around than to force them to do things. The more pressure you apply, the less willing a person can be. It is like when parents are too strict towards their children that they can barely breathe. They will never learn and be open enough to do what their parents want them to do. They may follow the rules, but only because they need to. Not because they want to. The most important factor is what you feel-how you feel. Because it is your desire to do something that will best distinguish things like freewill and forced entry.
* * *
Maybe that description people associate me with really does define me: They say I’m slow; slow at getting some jokes, slow at understanding a few personal and emotional things. That’s what they say.
You know what’s funny? They keep saying that, and yet now some are pressuring me to accept someone into my life easily-quickly-FASTly. (ugly word though. just stressing.) Like they don’t know I like to take time in considering things.
* * *
I do, of course, comprehend that time is not easy to give. That to let someone wait for nothing guarantees loss of sanity. So maybe if you can’t wait, then move along. It doesn’t matter.
The thing is, I can’t believe some poeple still want to stick around when they know they didn’t get the last thing they waited for.
we can’t have the freedom to control everything…
if we only had the freedom to acquire the things we want most; if we only had the freedom to say something and really mean it, and not just say the things because we “need” to; if we only had the power to control, as in fully control, our emotions, thoughts, and feelings… well then i guess things would be a lot better now.
but that’s just it. because we don’t have the power to change things that “just happen” we have to live with it. because we cannot control certain things, they must have been “meant to happen”
all things occur for a reason.
only time will uncover all of those reasons for us. we can always question why the world is being cruel to us, but to no avail. the answers will come some other time, when we’ve overcome the trial and ordeal. it’s so ironic, no? not to mention crazy. and messed up. but that’s the way things are…
that’s reality…
I wish i could be a kid again.
Last night, my mom was reading a chapter in a book, and I was beside her. She was reading it aloud, barely audible.
Suddenly I remembered what it was like for me to sit beside her and hear her reading to me. I remembered how easy it was to put me to sleep, or take care of me when I was sick. My mom was always beside me.
And I realized how easy it is for a child to be touched just by hearing your mom’s voice soothing you…
Mothers are such special people… I am so grateful to have one that’s always here for me…
Sometimes I just wish I could be a kid again… Things were so much easier then…
It’s crazy how children can’t wait to grow up, engage in teenage activities, get involved in adult stuff, do the things kids aren’t allowed to do…but when they get all that they wish they could be that kid again… because they suddenly realize it’s so much easier to heal bruises and wounds than mend broken hearts and “refresh” overworked brains…
do i have a special place in your heart?
What or who I am in the lives of others is very important to me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if the people I value care about me as well. Each person that walked in my life or is currently in my life have a place in my heart. Every teacher who had the patience to teach me, every guy who taught me to be strong, every celebrity or writer that influenced me all have a place in me.
Even if they indirectly touched my life.
Like I said, my friends are important to me. I love them so much, and whenever I am with them, I forget my worries and anxieties about my studies and about my family. It’s like I don’t want the time we’re spending with each other to wane. That’s why, sometimes I wish we could just stay students together forever and not move on to getting old and having families ‘coz we might grow apart…
I don’t believe that friendships die. They don’t… If things aren’t working out between two friends, all they need is time and space… and eventually they’ll be together again…
I always try to make sure I’m being a good friend. I try my best to not hurt my friends. But we can never be too sure. We will always commit errors unintentionally.
I am currently having problems with my friend. I try not to lose my hope that things will be okay, because at a certain point, people who got hurt by others will need to forgive the ones who hurt them.
I miss that certain friend of mine. I respected her so much, if she only knew.
I am hurting because I found out that she wasn’t missing a thing about me, now that we’re kind of apart… And there I thought, “Was I not special to you? Was I not a good friend?”
* * *
Last night, before I fell asleep, one thought lingered in my mind. I’m great at imagining things. And I suddenly conjured up this thought: “What if I died right now? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone mourn?”
I imagined being a ghost, silently gliding along the ground, feeling so light. I imagined going to everyone’s (the people I treasure most) houses. I imagined waving to them for the last time, or saying how much I always loved them. But I couldn’t imagine how they would react.
So help me out… How would you feel if one day, you found out I was gone?…
Because I feel like I died, and no one cared… Especially you. (you know who you are…)
Ten Things I Miss About You…
1. I miss listening to your occasional rants and comments about everything you see around us.
2. I miss knowing that you trust me. You showed it by sharing stories about your day.
3. I miss teasing you to that stuffed toy of yours.
4. I miss having lunch with you and sharing that uneasy feeling of being late… (long before, when we were afraid of being late for our classes, haha)
5. I miss hearing you laugh, even when I didn’t know what you were laughing about…
6. I miss that laugh, because at times it’s so contagious!
7. I miss receiving text messages from you, because they always bring a smile to my lips…
8. Right now it saddens me to remember the summer. The summer I/we first went to your house. The summer we spent the night there. The summer I saw how big the dog that used to belong to our common friend was already.
9. I miss feeling complete. Because not being ok with one of my friends makes me feel empty.
10. I just miss securing a connection with you… I miss seeing you and knowing that we’re friends…
don’t think that i love only ten things about having you as a friend. you’re so many things. you snagged a special place in my heart. it’s hurts me to think i was nothing to you…
