The thing about Tumblr is it’s so easy to post different kinds of things. Songs, links, videos, blogs, quotes… At first I didn’t want to create an account because it’s what everyone’s doing, and I hate bandwagons. Or so, I constantly tell myself. I’m finding it harder and harder to not create an account someplace. When I was a freshman in high school, having an account in Friendster was the thing, and I thought it was cool. Then Multiply came, and I embraced that as well. Then, well, then Facebook came. And as much as I didn’t want to create a space for me on Facebook, I did, just to see who would add me up. Then I created a Flickr account. Or maybe that was before Facebook. I don’t know. Stuff like Twitter, Formspring (what is that anyway?), and Plurk don’t interest me, that’s why I thought myself as a non-member of the bandwagon. But, I made a Tumblr account out of boredom and a want of change. I didn’t like it at first, but it grew on me. Whatever. Consider my moving there a move to bigger and better things, which means better entries and more variety.

I will miss this. But I won’t erase this weblog, and I’ll come back to it from time to time, when I feel like it. I just wanted to inform any readers I might have that I won’t be regularly blogging here anymore, and my new website is http://maybeangels.tumblr.com/

It just takes some time,
little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

Hey,
You know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don’t buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (good enough)
For someone else.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out, (feel left out)
Or looked down on.
Just do your best, (just do your best)
Do everything you can. (do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say.

-Jimmy Eat World

Source: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/the-middle-lyrics-jimmy-eat-world/fda58ed99c53970748256ba300203ecc

What you don’t know you can feel it somehow.

Beautiful Day, U2

I feel like.. I just feel as if I don’t have any friends. And that people, secretly, don’t like me.

Nobody in DEVC123 cares about LB Times anymore. Nobody thinks it’s a big deal that 345 copies of it are still sitting at my home, waiting to be owned by people who will actually read it.

I sent a message to all my classmates, asking for help, because, as I told them, “I AM SO DAMN TIRED.” Which I am. So much. And only two people replied: the one who was responsible for circulation, and another person who said he’d remind the former. That’s it.

Actually, I thought no one would reply at all, so I was shocked when somebody did–after about ten or fifteen minutes.

Anyhow. I just had to release it.

I’m still stressed. Sad and depressed. And my parents are no help–they’re rubbing it in that I failed as a leader. I didn’t want this job in the first place.

Dear someone watching from the shadows,
you’ve seen me lose all the water from my hands.
I’m not a skillfull water carrier,
but the raindrops
keep falling on my head,
falling on my head.

-Aquarius, Regina Spektor

I feel really sad. It’s like I’ve been abandoned. I can’t help it, I feel so alone.

I remember when I was a kid. Whenever we went to Wal-Mart, I would go to the record bar and check out all the new CDs. Back then, Sarah’s Mirrorball album had just been released. I would search for the record, hold the CD in my hands and imagine myself owning it. I once asked my dad why we didn’t buy that CD when we had Surfacing at home, and he said that Surfacing was her best CD and we didn’t need another of her albums. I disagreed at that time, because I really loved the song I Will Remember You, which is in the Mirrorball CD. But honestly, now that I’m listening to most of the tracks in that CD, I have to agree with my dad. Surfacing is a great CD. I don’t know about Afterglow. But that’s not the point. I love Sarah McLachlan.

Edit: How dumb of me, I’m sorry. Mirrorball is not a studio album, it’s a live one.

Lately, I’ve been full of Rachael Yamagata‘s…

I first heard a Yamagata song on the radio in the car, and I knew instantly that I had to search for the song and the artist online. That song was Be Be Your Love, which is now my most played song on iTunes. Currently, I just adore Worn Me Down. I hope to purchase one or all of her CDs someday.

…Michelle Featherstone‘s…

[I love this shot of Michelle. I've been having this obsession with using photos of artists as my laptop wallpaper, which is why I have all these pictures. Currently, my wallpaper is Alanis Morissette, but Michelle will be next.]

Anyhow, my first Featherstone song was Stay, of course, which I heard on One Tree Hill. While listening to all her other songs, I can say she doesn’t disappoint.

…A Fine Frenzy‘s…

I only discovered A Fine Frenzy through a friend. Right now, my favorite A Fine Frenzy song is Liar, Liar, but Almost Lover is wonderful too.

…and Fiona Apple‘s music.

Fiona Apple in my music brain goes way, way back–much like Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morissette, and Sheryl Crow. Those three were women my dad listened to often, so I got to know them as well. It even got to the point that I would sing Alanis songs, much like I still do now (I sing to–or try to sing to–basically all songs by all of these beautiful, talented women).

Some of my first memories of Fiona Apple were her performance in the Grammys and her music video for Criminal. That’s my favorite song by her, by the way. She really deserved to win a Grammy for it back in the day.

Well, that’s all. I just felt like sharing some of my musical heroines. Next time, I’ll share male artists and rock bands.

Til then.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

-Fallen, Sarah McLachlan

Source: http://www.lyrics007.com/Sarah%20McLachlan%20Lyrics/Fallen%20Lyrics.html

It’s a pessimistic thought, but earlier I was thinking how things will be after LB Times, whenever that is. See, every semester is extended for me because of requirements, and I usually get close with my group mates. But when it’s over, we all get back to where we left off with our own lives. I haven’t met anyone who really went beyond being my group mate.

It’s a selfish thought, but there’s a part of me that’s glad we’re stuck in time. I’m always surrounded by people. Like I’m never alone, like I always have some people to eat out with.

Because I’m scared of what will happen afterward. Everyone keeps saying the bond people develop in LB Times is so strong that we might even help each other out after graduation or something, but… I dunno. I doubt it, I guess. I mean, it’s not like I’m such a great leader or friend or anything… But I wish I were. Then at least, I’d know I might have a chance in having a lifetime friend.

I told you it was a pessimistic thought.

Sigh.

I just want to be happy again.

My group mates are always irresponsible dumb people who don’t know how to make good reports. I am seldom grouped with fellow grade-conscious students who know the way to a Professor’s brain. Really, it’s frustrating. Last Wednesday, my group mates and I were supposed to meet to discuss our report for a technical elective subject under a strict professor. But only one of my group mates came to the meeting; the other three forgot about it. I was so mad. I wasted my precious time, which is, by default,  spent for LB Times, for stupid jerks who had poor memories and didn’t know how to read the time. I sent them a message today asking them when the effin’ hell we could finally meet to talk about the report, which is 20% of our grade, which is high and could actually help us all improve our standing. But no one replied. We’re tasked to be the first freakin’ group to report up front, and we haven’t had a sensible meeting so far. F*^$ing group mates.

There was this one other time when I was so tired and drained from LB Times that I let my group mates in a different subject take care of our report. And you know what they did? They prepared 5 friggin’ slides and two pages worth of a written report. And the five slides could easily be reduced to 3, since there was a title slide and a slide for references. I was so mad when I found out, but I did not, could not express myself to my group mates. Sigh.

The point is, and forgive the lack of humility, group reports wear me out because I’m usually the only one who stands up and gets everything organized and everyone prepared for a report. I so thought that upon entering the best university in the country, and leaving my good-for-nothing high school, that would stop. But obviously it didn’t, because it’s a widespread disease in group efforts.

It’s stupid that even though I’m not leader-material because I’m so shy and not too vocal, I’m the one who has to pull everything together and make things work so that I, or we, can earn a good grade. That’s how it is, and that’s what happens because I care.

And apparently, others don’t.

Burn in hell losers.

*I’m just really mad right now.

But this isn’t me panicking. This is me being scared. Depressed, because it is the last week of February, and we don’t have advertisers yet for our paper. We aren’t even fully done with our articles. My God, I was editing an article yesterday, and it was so disappointing, because there were so many grammatical errors, and the whole thing had the wrong angle. I’m supposed to be giving that article to the writers today, but they aren’t replying to my text message so I don’t know where they are.

This is exactly the reason why I didn’t want to be Editor. Because I might do things wrong, or I might not be demanding, or people might not respect me enough for them to be scared, or when things are going downhill, I might just be like this. Depressed.

You know, everyone is going on about how late we are, but not everyone really does anything about it. And I’ve noticed that people are so confined to their roles. Why can’t anyone give a helping hand?

And my God, I still have a thesis to do. I feel like crying hard. I’m crushed. Crushed under the weight of the world.

I knew it would be an ugly day the moment I woke up, because I didn’t want to face the new day. When the sun came up, I already wanted it to come down. That was how much I didn’t want to start my day.

Maybe it was because the day entailed attending the two classes I am most afraid of. Or because it might be the last day I’d ever see Sir Grande, who is resigning. Perhaps, though, it was simply because I was still sleepy.

I guess it doesn’t really matter why. I’d sinned already just by being ungrateful, by not thanking the Lord I had one more day to live–one whole day, because I survived. Others, as we know, were not as lucky as I was.

When Genalyn Tiamzon-Mangudadatu began her day last Monday, she must not have known it would be her last. She faced that day because it was important–she would be filing her and her husband’s certificate of candidacy (COC). Ismael Mangudadatu would be running for governor in the 2010 elections, challenging the Ampatuan’s who have long held the position. The event would be historic, and that was why Genalyn traveled with a number of journalists. Little did they know that their journey would be cut short, that they would never reach their destination. Little did they know that the historic event would not be the filing of their COCs, but the horrible, horrible tragedy that prevented them from doing so.

That Genalyn, the rest of the family, journalists, and lawyers were killed is an understatement. They died a death that I can not even begin to describe.

The Mangudadatus were simply on their way to file their candidacy, and they died for it. Why? They only wanted to try their luck as candidates. Why did they have to die?

I’ve always been aware that our politics is out of control, but the Maguindanao massacre was really too much. What greed some people have for power. What pure selfishness it is to commit such devilish deeds.

I wonder how the murderers manage to sleep at night knowing what they’d done. If they even know the full weight of it.

I wonder why something bad always crops up when an issue dies down. Like there’s always a replacement. Like there’s always something to talk about.

I wonder how long this issue will stay with us. How long it will take for a new issue to take over. How long the guilty can go on living a lie.

I wonder about everything, because I can’t help thinking how inhumane those murderers were. But I don’t wonder about justice. Because I know that justice will be served–perhaps not through our judicial system. Perhaps the guilty party won’t be sentenced for life. Maybe they’ll get away with it all. But God will “take care” of them. I am sure of it.